consumer's guide to Oral Sex
...Or One swallow doesn't make a hummer.
|| Going down.
Giving Head. Dining at the Y. The concept of performing oral sex either
makes you shiver with anticipation...or sheer terror. Although it's not
exactly family dinner conversation, this rather personal subject has become
about as mundane as the weather. Everybody's doin' it! These days no-one
even blinks if, when Grandma stoops to pick up her dropped hanky - dear
ol' Grandad chortles: "Ahem, while you're down there, Mildred".
It now seems inconceivable that oral sex was once considered an exotic
fetish, reserved for the sexually adventurous. It was even against the
law. ("Honestly Officer, I just tripped and kinda fell face-down
in his lap!")
So the pressure's on. If a person is to be considered good value in the
sack they must go down. It's as simple as that - damned if you don't.
Although, if you pour over your Seinfeld chronicles on the subject, you're
also damned if you do. Remember when poor old George was so confounded
by the nuances of going the growl that he begged Jerry to share his technique
- featuring the famous 'counter-clockwise swirl'? George then used it
on his new girlfriend with great success. Of course his triumph was short-lived
when the girlfriend discovered he'd actually written instructions on his
hand to use for reference during The Act. Appalled, she leapt from the
bed leaving a pitiful George screaming in her wake: "How else did
you expect me to remember it all!"
Then there was the episode with Elaine's new boyfriend, the musician .
He was a flautist who refused to play any tunes on her instrument - fearing
it would affect his flute playing. Elaine wondered if this were sufficient
grounds to drop him. By the end of the episode she had her way, and while
she'd taught him a thing or two about reciprocity, his lips were rendered
totally fucked and he couldn't play a note. Hmm. The Seinfeld writers
seem to be throwing around a bit of anti-cunnilingus propaganda - Please,
don't make us do it, it's just too damn difficult! To use the vernacular:
What's up with that?
Could it be, that despite the fact this practice is on the tip of everyone's
tongue - some of us could use more practice? Yes, Virginia - there really
is such a thing as a bad blow-job. Receiving truly sublime head can be
a Holy Grail for women and men. In other words, when it comes to oral
sex, some of us really suck.
It goes without saying that the best way to please your partner is to
ask how - but the problem is, some of us are not only too shy too ask,
we're also too shy to tell. So for the benefit of wannabe Sword Swallowing
and Muff Diving Legends everywhere, here's a few tips you didn't learn
in biology class. While you're boning up on the following facts, bear
one thing in mind: while we all may differ in our sensual preferences,
the following BASIC tips refer to the average sensitivities of the 'general'
population. Also, we don't have the space to list the multitude of erogenous
zones that are also worthy of good tongue lashing...but that's no excuse
for you not to seek them out.
be simply Faabulous at Fellatio...
Although I fancy myself at fellatio, I'm a chick...ergo, I have no dick.
So for this section I've consulted a very interesting tome: Sex Tips For
Straight Women from a Gay Man by Dan Anderson (Allen & Unwin, 1997).
It's chockers with great insight on how to satisfy a man in bed - which
is important apparently (kidding) - and who better to tell you how to
handle the family jewels than someone who's been polishing 'em all his
life? (All comments made in parenthesis which follow, are the arrogant
indignation of yours truly).
Here's what Dan says: "If you're starting out with Mr. Softee, (what
is it with dick names?) you should have no trouble putting the whole thing
in your mouth while you gently suck and lick. Don't start moving your
mouth up and down until he's at least semi-erect. Make a ring around the
base of the shaft with your hand, which will help him grow hard quicker.
Now...take a sip of water and kneel between his legs so you can show respect
for his prized possession (oh brother!). Put both hands into an 'L' position
around the base of his shaft. Lick the whole tip, and then use your tongue
to lick up and down the sides. Now it should be slick enough to slide
into your mouth easily. (Well, there you go, pre-lubing before the main
event - who knew?) Covering your teeth with your lips, and keeping your
mouth taut, glide the head inside and lick the sensitive spot underneath
with both the tip and the flat part of your tongue - like what you would
use on your favorite flavor of ice cream cone. Still covering your teeth
and maintaining your pressure, proceed down the shaft as far as you can
go in one fell-swoop. Women usually think it's better to go up and down,
letting a little more into their mouths each time. That's for amateurs
(ahem, well...pardon me!). Let him know right away that you're going to
take good care of him. Relax the muscles in your neck and jaw as much
as possible. Try to breathe through your nose. Being in this position
allows you to control how far in it goes. Pull your mouth back up the
entire length of the shaft right over the ridge of the tip. He'll love
the sensation of your lips popping over this ridge Take it out of your
mouth for a second, and go right back down. This will give you a chance
to breathe. (Yes! Breathing is good)
"Continue the full
up-and-down-the-entire-shaft motion at a sensual slow, pace. Once you
get bored with this, usually after about two or three minutes (he said
that - I didn't) it's time to start using your hand. One hand will always
remain at the base of the penis to keep it in place. With the other hand,
make a ring with your thumb and forefinger, and follow the movement of
your lips up and down. Maintain the slow pace. Remember to breathe when
you get to the top. When you're ready to make him really moan, combine
*hand-strokes with mouth strokes - still
maintaining a slow, steady pace..."
He also suggests roaming over the rest of his body with lips, mouth and
tongue. "Stopping (the head-job), starting, stopping and starting
again will make for a bigger, better and much more powerful orgasm..."
(For his information, this technique use to make an ex-lover of mine really
stroppy. But hey - I'm a girl, what would I know?)
Basically he suggests that once you're ready to make him come, he'll be
ready too. "Go into a fast ring technique-mouth combo. Gay men who
at one time had sex with women say the difference is that women rarely
go hard and fast enough toward the end (well, men have bigger neck and
arm muscles, don't they?). When he's ready to let rip, move your head
out of the way, or prepare to swallow (see Gargle,
Spit, Swallow...or Duck? below). Keep stroking with your hand until
it's over. Don't forget to stop after a few spurts. It's a rare guy who
likes his penis held immediately after ejaculation. Now might be an excellent
time to mention an engagement ring, or suggest that trip to Paris you've
been wanting..." (Hey, again, his words not mine!) Dan also suggests
a few fun ideas to incorporate into your repertoire:
Whipping - slap his dick lightly against your mouth or the side
or your face.
Hummers - Yes, humming
or moaning during a heady will actually create a vibrating sensation.
Tinglers - try a putting a little
mouthwash in your mouth, releasing it slowly as you go down on him, or
ice water is also a groovy sensation. Apply the ice directly to the shaft
and your warm mouth "will feel like a cashmere blanket to him".
Um, color me nasty but only a gay dude would come up with a phrase like
* Dan also describes the ideal hand-job
technique in his book.
Spit, Swallow...or Duck?
"Gay men never swallow." (Gulp - surely you're
kidding!) Believe it or not, it's what Dan says, and what Dan says, goes.
"Besides being somewhat unsafe, it also takes away the thrill of
seeing someone ejaculate." (Ah-ha! This explains the ever popular
"money shot" in porno’s). He goes on to say that most
women don't really get off on such images and agrees that some straight
men do make a big deal out of swallowing. (Do they what!). Dan recommends
that if we choose to swallow it's purely our decision. If we don't, then
it's not the end of the world; "...especially since you will have
just given him the most spectacular, mind-blowing, spine-tingling BJ he's
ever had." Right-on Dan my man! There - you read it here second.
Do's and Don'ts
Do: Be enthusiastic. There's
no point doing it if you're not into it. "Some chicks think you'll
be grateful if they duck down there for a couple of quick slurps - it
just makes you feel putrid. I'd prefer it if they didn't bother"
- Matt, 27.
Do: Keep your throat
as straight as possible and breath deep through your nose - this should
help alleviate the gagging reflex. Although if God meant for us to give
really deep throat she would have put a few thousand extra nerve endings
on that dangly thing.
plenty of saliva on your finger and thumb when employing the ring technique.
If your mouth needs a break your hand can take over without skipping a
Don't: Draw blood. Keep
those fangs covered with your lips! You want him to moan in ecstasy, not
to be Clever at Cunnilingus
Before I get down to it, it's worthy to note some important facts. Firstly,
a significant proportion of women find climaxing difficult. Some only
climax via manual or oral stimulation. Therefore, cunnilingus represents
more than just an entree to a lot of women. It's actually the main course.
When Dan said women were 'amateurish' in their too-subtle approach to
fellatio, I felt like he'd been reading my male. Women like to tease because
that's the way we like it. Oh sure, there may be rare occasions a woman
wants her man to go down straight away - but a man should never (that's
NEVER) skip the preliminaries unless she says to. Not only is it inappropriate
cunnilingus etiquette to dive in head-first, she may feel pressured into
having a quick (inferior) orgasm, or worse - a fake orgasm, because she's
too intimi dated to speak up.
Let's face it, most guys would love being "attacked" in a spontaneous
fellating frenzy after little more than a handshake - this is why they
usually get carried away much too soon when giving head. A woman's sexuality
is so much more than the sum of her private parts. Good head starts inside
the head. Without creating the right mood, all the oral dexterity in the
world isn't worth a drop of spit. The first rule of great growling is
this: Start at the top and work your way down - gradually.
By all means drop hints that you're heading South, but keep her guessing
as to how and when you're going to get there. Take your time. Stroke,
Kiss, lick, and nibble her all the way. As you draw closer to your target,
she'll probably arch her moot towards your mouth, but don't take this
as a cue to hone in for the kill. If you really want to drive her nuts,
breathe on her, keep your mouth hovering close - but stay just out of
reach. (Take your time) Lick and kiss her inner-thighs and the outer extremities
of the vulva and the top of her mound. When neither of you can take any
more, lick your lips, and then lick hers. Imagine you're back up there
at her face and kiss her labia the same way. (Oh yeah, and take your time).
Women have centuries of extremely low cunt-esteem to overcome. By kissing
the most intimate part of her, you're offering her acceptance in its most
basic form. There is no bigger turn on for a woman (or a man for that
matter) than her complete surrender. When you do, finally, slip the tongue,
be gentle at first. By this time her clit should be engorged and ultra-sensitive.
Encircle it lightly (clock-wise, counter clockwise - whatever). Lick the
sides, top and underside. Steer clear of the tip, and don't try retracting
the clitoral hood to get a better shot at it - it's just too sensitive.
She will probably wriggle around a bit to help you find the right spot
and then - like a deer caught in headlights - she'll stop still. Eureka
- you've hit *The Spot! Some women may continue
to writhe around, but those who have difficulty achieving orgasm will
probably remain still, in deep concentration at this stage. I don't recommend
Dan's "Stop, start" technique in this case - she'll probably
hit you. When she's on the verge of coming, (the Plateau phase, or as
I like to call it, the Oh-zone) she'll want you to maintain exactly whatever
it is you're doing, whether it's at a slow, medium or fast tempo. Any
variation in pace might knock her back a few pegs and she'll have to claw
her way back to the oh-zone. As this phase can last anything from a nano-second
to upwards of ten minutes, you'll understand how frustrating this can
be for the elusive ones. Once the point of inevitability has been reached
(meaning she's gonna come regardless of what you do at this point) her
breathing will quicken, she may or may not moan but the actual orgasm
will result in several detectable vaginal contractions. Like men, women
prefer you to disengage your tongue at this point - the clitoris being
at it's most sensitive. However, if your mate is particularly orgasmic,
you may find that after a break of at least 30 seconds, she is ready for
you to give her another (or a succession of) much quicker, but sometimes
more intense orgasms. Or she'll be begging for your dick. Either way,
pat yourself on the back for a job well done.
* The Spot varies from woman to woman and from orgasm to orgasm. In other
words, there aint no Spot! What worked on her the last time, or the last
ten times, may not necessarily work the next time - swirl or no swirl.
Just think of each session as an adventure for both of you. Besides -
variety is the spice.
are a few fun ideas of my own:
Lick, sip, suck
- Explore a different location each time. She might like it if you lick
further down around her vagina or suck lightly on her clit like it's a
- Turn her over so she's lying on her stomach, lie on your stomach between
her legs and go at it from that angle. It feels 'naughtier' (read: hornier)
and your chin and nose provide extra titillation around the perineum area.
- Gently incorporate your fingers into the action. Stroke the topside
of her mound while you're licking on the underside and vice-versa. Insert
your fingers by all means, but tease her first and let her reaction guide
Cunnilingus Dos and Don'ts
Do: Talk to her. Tell her
how nice she smells, feels tastes. Flattery will get you everywhere.
Do: Lick don't flick. Ignore those
porn growlers with their butterfly flicking licks - that's for amateurs.
We want to feel your whole tongue - it makes us think about what you're
doing as well as feel it, therefore stimulating that main erogenous zone
- the brain.
Do: Maintain 'contact'
with her top half. Loving eye contact, breast fondling and handholding
are nice ways to make her feel less like a life-support system for her
Don't: Suck hard or bite.
We're talking super-sensitive equipment here.*Side bar: A word to the
wise: If you're hoping to be made a meal of, have a wash first - we all
smell and taste nicer after a tub. And trim that bush (this means you
too guys). Nothing spoils the mood quicker than pausing to cough up a
Lip Service: This is what you said:
"I love going the growl. The
trouble is, some chicks just won't loosen up and let you do it."
- John, 22.
"Giving head is a real power-trip for me. I get off when my guy holds
the back of my head and gently fucks my mouth. I feel like the ultimate
pleasure giver." - Dianne, 42
"I love being teased, I sometimes get so worked up, I come before
his tongue even touches my clit." - Janine, 37
"The most sensitive part of my cock is the underside of the base,
where it meets my balls. I love her to lick me there slowly with a flattened
tongue." Simon - 26
"I love getting tongue-fucked. It's not that I'm really sensitive
in that area, it's just the idea that he's sticking his tongue up where
it shouldn't go that makes me crazy." Leanne, 28
"She does this thing where she rubs her wet palm on my knob while
she licks my shaft. It feels like two mouths. Heaven." Aarron - 32
"He darts his tongue from my clit down to tease my butt-hole. He
doesn't actually go in there, but he likes to make me think that he might
- and I'm totally gone." - Lenora, 33
in doubt, think of what you like and do the opposite.