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personal: virginity

losing your virginity

			virginity story 56
	what does "losing your virginity" mean to you? - define the term, and then tell us about what the experience signified for you...		I used to think that it meant having sexual intercourse and that's how I think of "losing my virginity" because it's so built up in society. This leads to a whole lot of people having oral sex that "doesn't count"--when in fact it is also intimate and can have some of the same consequences of other types of sex.
	what were your expectations of what the experience would be like prior to losing your virginity?		You know...I didn't daydream about it. Didn't care much. I guess that's weird. I liked boys but was shy in high school. Didn't date much. I thought it would be a more important experience than it was.
	how old were you, and was this the age when expected or intended to lose your virginity?		I was 22. I never cared much about losing my virginity, however, at some point it began to be a liability (how weird). Guys would get all suspicious about why I hadn't "done it". Ultimately, the guy who I did have sex with felt a little too self-important about it.
	what did it feel like? was there blood? did your partner know it was your first time and did you talk about it before?		To be honest---anticlimatic. My partner did know. I was extremely attracted to him--- great chemistry and I just was damn good and ready by that time to just have some sex already :) That hype about having a virgin is a bunch of crap--- he did not rock my world, or break me in, or mean anything more to me than other guys I had fooled around with (hence why I am starting to rewrite the history in my mind of what virginity is---I feel like that line in Clerks: Dante Hicks: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him! Veronica Loughran: Because I never HAD sex with him. Dante Hicks: You sucked his dick! Veronica Loughran: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around. (from Clerks) For other women who have talked in these pages about their clit---that's where the action is for me too.
	what did your mother, family, friends tell you about losing your virginity...		I have a friend who kind of got into the habit of sleeping around in high school. We are very different and she was not responsible to herself in many of those situations---which I attributed to low self-esteem. Family did not say anything---very taboo topic. My mother still likes to believe that none of her children (all of us are in our 20s and have had serious long-term relationships) are saving it for marriage.
	what would/did you tell your daughter about losing her virginity...		To be careful and respect herself. Sex is an adult decision and I've never regretted the choices I've made. I probably would talk openly about my sexual history. From that first partner I contracted genital herpes (from ORAL SEX---hence why we need to rethink how we're defining sex). Did it ruin my life? NO. But it is a real potential consequence of sex. You can have 1000 partners or one partner and contract a sexually transmitted disease or get pregnant---the important thing is how you feel about the other person, how you feel about yourself, and being able to own your decisions.
	this conversation makes me think...		My mother put the fear of God (kind of literally) into me from a young age about our bodies and sex. That is not a solution. Nor is the hype about virginity. It's just as bad as the hype about prom and never mind the two topics together!!! After my experiences with my more self-absorbed first conquest (yeah you heard me-- I seduced him!) --I found a man who is as interested in pleasing me is as he is in his own pleasure. Now that's HOT.

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